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|Monday, June 11th, 2007|
There was just a big meeting at my work to discuss the fate of the RCM and I think my ass is chapped from how much sunshine was just blown up it.
Last week the faculty were told that they were facing either tuition increases or wage decreses (which understandable didn't go over well) so I was bracing for similarly bad news coming today at the 'admin staff' meeting.
The part that really pissed me off though, was the fact that while we were told all about the long term projections about how the RCM was evolving (and had to endure the tedious analogy over and over again of the caterpillar turning in to a butterfly) yet there was pittifully little information given about the nuts and bolts day to day of how things are going to operate around here in the next 6 months. They hope to have the first groups of people moving into the new buiding in January! I asked a question about their vision for support staff in the coming months...are we going to be expected to support two building at once or will be adding essentially another mailroom/another reception etc. and he totally blew off my question...didn't answer it at all!!! All of the other departments got word of when they were moving, why is it not important to this orgainisation to let those of us on the lower rungs know their fate as well??? I'd like to see them try to fucking send their own packages and answer their own damn phones. Then at least they'd be able to see just how fucking angry people are in the general public about the changes that are taking place in the orgainisation and just how damn low morale really is.
Essentially, I would like to know what my job is going to look like in 6 months...and am I going to have to get used to the idea of commuting across town every day once again??? (a 45 min. bike ride each way as opposed to my current 15 min. jaunt) I really have to start looking for a different job I think...or something.
It seems that things are really building to a big change for me this Fall...lots of decisions to be made...my bankrutcy will be over...my lease will be up...and my job will be changing...I have a huge desire to travel...
We shall see...
|Wednesday, June 6th, 2007|
I know this subject is like, soooo a year and a half ago or something, but DAMN, I'm pissed.
Last Fall I was interviewed by a Ryerson journalism student for an article she was doing on female wrestling. She came across my internet campaign against the size-ist horrible Rumbleinas and wanted my opinion in her article.
I gave the BEST Interview ever, full of sassy insightful thoughts, I came off as being really smart and stuff! I COULDN'T WAIT for that stupid Kristi bitch to read it. -haha. Man, did I ever feel vindicated!
Anyways, I was thinking about the interview today for some reason and I thought I'd check it out online and see how it turned out. Unfortunately all my gorgeous thoughts were excluded from the article. CRAPPY!
Kristi sounded stupid in the article...her thoughts on feminism as it pertained to her stuff were so basic and hollow. But happily I did find out that the Rumbelinas is on hiatus. (hopefully never to return)
See...now ROLLER DERBY is a perfect example of what glorious things can happen when you're not running a size-ist orgainization. It's nice to see ladies of various sizes participating on an even playing field. And nice to see in practice how intrinsicly hot is when all these bodies get to be so tough and strong together. All sweaty and bashing eachother around! haha. Sure it's tarted up with short skirts and stuff, but it doesn't pander to the typical male wank bank in the way that the Rumbelinas does. And LOOK at how popular it's become! Yay to all my Roller Bitches! I love you!
I've put the idea of semi-pro wrestling behind me for now...but I'm so so so glad that there are so many spitfires out there picking up the torch.
|Friday, May 25th, 2007|
|Self indulgent bitching
I need to bitch about my job here for a sec.
This week has been especially irritating, and I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed about it. Last Friday we (reception and service desk teams) were issued a memo. The thrust of the memo was -now that the school isn't as busy (summer) we should be doing things like 'orgainising our files' and 'avoid being on the internet.' -Oh Gee...thanks.
The whole point to having a no-brainer job like mine is that it is (I think) universally accepted that it will not always be busy. If I wanted a job that kept me constantly busy from 9-5 then I would probabaly get one and probabaly be making more money than I do presently. Worse than actually being busy for 8 hours a day, I think, is having to PRETEND to be busy. I think it's crappy. Of course I'm still on line...obviouslly I am right now...but I hate that I have to feel shitty about it now.
Also, being paid once a month is complete bullshit. I asked the payroll dude why we get paid once a month and apparently it's because they don't have the staff in accounting to do it twice a month. Seriously...just hire another damn body!
I'm really tired of always being broke. And I am...always broke. I hate being a charity case around my freinds...and I hate complaining about it because if I were hearing someone else bitch about it I would tell them to get off their ass and get a better job. But I feel like there's no point in getting a better job now because I don't really know what I want to do...another job would just be different, and without any real quallifications I can't really expect to make a lot more than I make now. UGH. I'm being a whiny baby.
Also...one more thing that's crappy then I'll stop...I just bought myself a bottom of the line MP3 player earlier this month to replace the last one that had that stopped working for reason, and last week I accidentaly filled my purse up with water, and drowned said MP3 player. I couldn't belileve it. I am technologically DOOMED! I have problems...seriously.
I need to remind myself about good things STAT:
It's bloody gorgeous outside.
I still have 2 feet, a heartbeat, 2 wheels and a seat
Being broke this weekend leaves me open for ALOT of book reading in parks.
I have wine and food in the fridge
I have good people around me
Things are oooookkkkk.
|Tuesday, May 15th, 2007|
|Just call me chef
This morning I went in to the freezer for ice cubes to make my morning smoothie, and found that my ice cubes were melting.
I've been down this road before. Last summer my fridge broke (in my last apartment) and I had to throw out all my food.
I buy my food (especially stuff like meat) in bulk now becasue I am trying to be more careful with my money...and just dumpstering it wasn't an option. So I called work, told them what was going on, then went on a cooking marathon. 9am till noon! Here's what I made:
Maple Glazed Salmon
Stuffed chicken breasts with Goat's cheese and basil
A ham and cheese casserole
A pepperoni pizza
and to top it all off...I made pancake batter -to use up my eggs- at put it into single use sized ziplocks!
I brought all my food to work to store in the freezer here until I have a fridge that works again.
|Monday, May 14th, 2007|
I really want a hula hoop (hoola hoop?) Where can I get one? I think it would be a nice thing to do while enjoying a television programme.
I am trying not to book myself solid this week again...so far, I'm not doing a great job. Recording final versions of HIBOU songs...incoming Zoe at the end of the week...visiting Tash tonight -who was smucked in a bike accident- and attending an anniversary party for cute nice couple that I am friends with. I would love to find the time to have a much anticipated swimming party with Louisa in her fancy new building's pool, but I am wondering if I shouldn't just schedule myself a night of doing nothing.
I remember looking at my to-do list for May at the beginning of the month and being daunted...I was right to be!
I have no idea how I managed to be so broke either...that frickin' sucks. I mean I'm glad that i paid off my phone and hydro and shit...but seriously...seeeeeriously. How do I manage to do these things???
I hung out with my Mom yesterday, which was intense. She alwasy wants to talk about the heaviest shit when Dad isn't around. Yeesh. Like Grandpa being parolled in November. Shit. Wish that wasn't happening. She will never feel safe again. That is a terrible way to live.
She is convinced that I'm 'not ok', that my life is not ok. It makes me feel like I have so much to justify...when in fact...yes...my life is crazy and not figured out. Not at all.
Hilariously she suggested that I 'go outwest'
I have a theory that in Belleville the three acceptable things you can do with your life are:
1) get married to your HS sweetheart, stay in Belleville
2) go to college THEN get married to your HS sweetheart, in Belleville
or 3) *and this is the OLNY acceptable deviation* go OUT WEST for a year or two...work in a ski resort...smoke some pot...have your WILD YEARS there...then return to marry some Bellevillian douche-bag.
*You MAY be able to get away with living in Kingston...but no one...NO ONE continues living in TORONTO. T.O. is only for complete defectives. Nobody gets them, nobody wants to.
I prefer not being gotten, for the record.
She also hates that I do burlesque. -nothing I can do about that. I tried to educate her about it, but it's no use. She thinks that I'm degrading myself, and has NOOOO appreciation for all the big awesome reasons that I do it. Nope.
I can't justify my life anymore. I yam what I yam, and that's all I yam. Like poppeye.
|Friday, April 13th, 2007|
This morning I had a dream about my Grandma just before waking up. I was going around a room kissing people goodnight (just like I would have when I was a kid) and the last person I kissed goodnight was her. She was laying on the couch, and she didn't kiss back. She was thinner and her hair was darker, like how it was when I was a little. I asked her if she was ok and she didn't answer but I 'no' was implied. My alarm went off just then and I woke up gasping for air. Fuck. At her funeral the minister urged us to remember her as she was in life and not how she died. It seems that my brain has a hard time seperating the two still. I still have a million questions that will never be answered.
She always seems sad in my dreams, but I try to remember her happy. Hopefully in time the happy will replace the sad in my brain. I'm getting her rocking chair, I'm so excited for that. My Mom and Dad bought it for her when I was born.
Moving on to other news, I fell asleep on the couch the other day with my head kind of bend and I ended up biting my tounge in my sleep, anyways, one of those painful bumps developed (in Portugese they have a word for it, I don't know how to spell it but it sounds like Boorbullitoo...it's the cutest word! Thanks for that Portugal!) and last night it was SO SORE! I went for dinner with Em and Blake and Brit and I couldn't talk at all! I had the worst lisp in the world. I couldn't eat, I couldn't drink from a straw...NOTHING! And my goodness was it FUNNY! (You never really appreciate the side of your tounge until it's gone!)
I found out yesterday that I'm going to need to have a colonoscopy. I am so not pleased, but it will be good to find out if there's anything untoward going on up there. The big issue in my mind though is whether to tell my Mom or not. If I tell her she will insist on coming up, and I really don't like the idea of her being there. I don't want any hoo-haa fan fare, no fucking hand holding or any such bull shit...I just want to get in there, and get out and forget it ever happened. hahaha. I am a suck about some stuff...but in the grand sceme of things this isn't such a huge deal. IMMENSELY UNPLEASANT...but no big deal.
|Wednesday, April 4th, 2007|
|I saw the sign
Why have I been in such a good mood these past few days??? I can't put my finger on it, but it's been pretty great. Sunny disposition and all. Maybe it's becasue I feel rested. I've been sleeping well.
It's funny how things happen. I'm a big believer in the idea that the universe tends help you out when you're making the right decisions and reasons for things aren't always visible right away, but there's a reason for everything in the grand scheme.
I've been super bummed out about the fact that I couldn't afford to go to New Orleans again. Like I've needed to go back in order to keep on this path that I started out on over Christmas. Hibou stuff hasn't been going so great, because of a plethora of technological problems on Serge's end, and a general malaise on my end...not finding inspiration in anything. I was starting to feel useless, like the only stuff I was good at was trivial. Selfish. Useless stuff. I felt, when I was in New Orleans and after I came back like I was a helpful force of good in the world.
Anyways, I was sad about not being able to go and stuck in this feeling of being stuck and being poor, when all of a sudden...the reason appeared!
Hibou has a gig! It's not 'til April 26, but if I had gone away this week to NOLA I totally would have missed out on some really important practicing time. Serge and I are jamming tonight, and I'm super excited! Oooh! Plus it's a paying gig, and it's going to be a really good audience for us...opening up a DJ night at the State Theatre.
Anyways, I'm taking this as a little sign from the universe. A small token of aknowlegement of my sacrifice for financial betterment and a little reward for struggling through a particularly difficult winter.
|Wednesday, March 28th, 2007|
A very funny realization occurred to A.M. and I last night at the ladies only water spa as we lounged nakedly on butter soft red leather lounge chairs alongside the sea salt pool, after having just emerged, steaming from the green tea soak...that all the skinny, toned, magazine-perfect looking chicks in the joint were the ONLY ones wearing bathing suits. The rest of us...with all of or variously shaped, variously aged bodies were all nude nude nude. It was SOOO great!
Every time I go there I wonder why I don't go every month. It's the best way to spend 35 bux that I've discovered so far.
And with all the toxifying I do...it's likely a good idea.
Today is pay day...and I've been broke for weeks. Bad influence Tracey wants things. Practical things, mostly, but it all feels like splurging to me.
It's funny, the things I feel are splurges now are so drastically different from splurges of the past. One day, many years ago, I walking past Browns on Queen and saw a pair of the most glorious shoes in the land. I bought them without any hesitation and they were 250 bux! I wore them, lapping up the compliments, everywhere I went for weeks. Then about a month later knock-offs started showing up at Aldo, then ultimately, Wal-mart. These days I feel kinda like Payless is too rich for my blood, which, well...it is what it is. And I feel like a slightly different person anyways...the kind of person who thinks, 250 bux...hmm, I wonder how far I could get on that???
|Tuesday, March 27th, 2007|
Tonight's soak in the healing waters at Body Blitz is going to be well earned, much appreciated and much deserved I think. (If I can stay awake that is...)
Drama drama drama last night. And it all started off so innocently! I had planned on cleaning my pad and takin' er easy last night when I got a call from Emmet. who had just learned how to make cheese! (SERIOUSLY!!! AMAZING) and wanted to share his exciting new discovery with me. I was barely half through cleaning, when I got a call from my dear ex-girl M. who was shit faced drunk because she and her girlfriend had broken up. She was sad and needed an ear. She had barely gotten the story out when Em. arrived, and insisted that M. come over. M agreed, and got herself in a cab. THAT WAS THE LAST WE HEARD OF HER. Thankfully she was fine, she got int to the cab and just decided to go home, passed out, didn't call 'till this AM. So...*WHEW* But I was worried.
Next, Em and I, drunk on food, go visit Sian next door and watch a movie with her while she cleaned her fridge. Sian recently had a really creepy guy move in next door to her and on Sunday she came home from work and her door knob looked to have been tampered with. Last night about an hour after we left she called me in a panic. She had gotten up to go pee and checked the lock as she was going by and the lock fell apart again. She FREAKED and called the cops, but here's the best part...there's no access to our building's buzzers after 9pm, and she was obviously too shaken to go and wait for them herself. So I went over, waited for the cops to show up, and let them into her building (at 3:30 in the morning)
Needless to say, I'm a tad sleepy today.
I am really excited though, the people called me back to do another interview for that 'Plastic Makes Perfect' show on the Slice network. This time the topic is "Do women have a love/hate or a hate/hate relationship with their bodies"??? It's a good question. I tend to think about that stuff a lot. And the fact that if we spent as much time thinking about important stuff as we do about our body issues, we would be unstoppable. There is so much freedom and power to be found in self acceptance. Yay! I get to talk about smart things on TV!
Today is good! Tonight will be even better! Ahhhh Sea salt pool...take me away!
|Monday, March 26th, 2007|
I'm feeling an extra little bit crazy today.
Damp (got caught in the rain on the way to work)
I was expecting a weekend of much needed sunshine and walking around having good times, but none of that really happened. It wasn't a BAD weekend, just uneventful. I hung out with a friend who, I realised, has very little real interest in what I have to say. An interesting person, and always entertaining, but the type of person who is only waiting until you stop talking so they can talk again. Conversational Double dutch. She is interested in my life only when I have some kind of drama, which I have -thankfully- very little of these days. I'm too busy being neurotic to have drama. haha.
Spent some time with lovely Tasha, and her Mom and a small group of her close friends at her Birthday pot luck last night, which was nice. Good to be around people who are also in the Saturn return. Tash just turned 29. She's planning to go away to Peru for a year or something. Haha...We are so funny. We've been friends since high school, she's a good friend.
I woke up this morning and the first thing I thought was "Fuck -I hate my job".
That's no good.
I am so irritated with myself sometimes.
I should have cleaned my apartment this weekend, but I didn't. Hopefull tonight I will and it will improve the general back-alley ambiance of my space.
I *did* go to sleep last night though watching a vintage episode of Soul Train from the 80's though, and that was so amazing. I wanted to call up everyone I knew and tell them to turn it on, but it was midnight. Too bad. Excellent outfits.
Also...another good thing...Anne Marie is treating me to an evening at Body Bliltz tomorrow...so nice. It's this European type bathhouse for Women (and no...it's not *that* kind of bathhouse) and it's got all kinds of steam rooms and sea salt pools and green tea soak tubs and things...hopefully it will de-toxify me spiritually as well as physically.
I hope I can just coast though this day without letting any more of the crazy out than I have to. Haha.
|Thursday, March 22nd, 2007|
|Things may be looking up!
I rode my bike to work today! yayayaya! Riding my bike is like drinking a sunshine and seratonin smoothie, I love it so much.
I just got it fixed (it was frozen into a snowbank since January and needed a bunch of work) it ended up costing me three times what I was quoted, but at least it works and now I don't have to rely so heavily on the TTC, which always brings me down. (I hate hate hate waiting for things!) Also, I found a really sweet route that doesn't require me to go under any over passes (which I hate doing) or going up any really steep hills (always daunting in the mornings) and it took me half the time that the bus takes...I LOVE MY BIKE!
Hey...so...I love my apartment alot alot alot...but lately I've been thinking about the idea of moving to something a bit more affordable. I pay ALOT of money for rent...and hydro bills are pretty much killing me. So...it's just a thought. But maybe Bernice has a charming bachelor in the building I could rent instead? Or maybe in a whole new building where I'd be allowed to have the Millie pooch come and stay with me. It's probably worth looking into. Then maybe then I could afford to get the internet at my house like every other person alive. I hate moving though, and I swore that I was going to stay in my place forever because I'm so in love with it. I don't know, I'm conflilcted.
Anyways, I should be doing work I guess.
Tonight Tam is coming over to dust off the old Captain and Tennille number that we performed years ago when we were in the Shameless Dames...we're rehearsing it (trying to remember choregraphy from...three years ago-ish) with plans of performing it again, this time at Goodhandy's. I'm totally looking forward to that...it's been a while since I've done the burlesquing! And ever though she and I are still as awkward as can be sometimes, I'm glad she's my friend now....finally.
Oh...I should have told more people and had someone tape it for me, but last night the episode of 'Plastic makes Perfect' that I appear on as some sort of 'boob-expert' aired on the Slice network. A friend who saw it said I looked awesome, but I'm really afraid that I sounded like a bitch. I was being interviewed on my opinions on breast implants (which tend to be pretty middle of the road) but they were trying to lead me to one side of the issue or the other. I think I came off sounding like a snotty little so-and-so.
|Tuesday, March 20th, 2007|
I am so sick today. Concerned passers-by keep telling me I have laryngitis. Co-workers are telling me I should go home. Nobody can understand me when I speak. The only person who seems totally un-phased by my constant hacking/sneezing/nose blowing/and lack of speaking voice seems to be my boss. I feel like i've taken too many days off recently though, and that asking for any more would be bad...if only she would suggest it TO ME, then I would gladly go. The worst part is that I'm BORED at home alone every night, not being able to talk. Not feeling up to being around people is the craps for a butterfly like me.
|Monday, March 19th, 2007|
I know it dangerous territory to start getting your healthcare information from Television commercials...but I watched a lot of TV over the weekend and I saw a yogurt commercial who's big message was that the certain kind of probiotic in their yogurt can help boost your immunity. (based on their claim that the immune system is rooted in the intestinal tract, and probiotics help regulate your GI tract.)
The Gastrointernologist that I saw back it the fall told me that I have IBS but gave me NO advice whatsoever...he was an asshole. The Naturopaths say I have yeast overgrowth, and basically said I can't eat anything delicious ever again...which just isn't an option. My big three problems with my health are my icky GI tract, the chronic yeast, and my crappy immune system. Doesn't it seem that these things could all be linked? (if the yogurt commercial science can be trusted.) I really need to go and get a third opinion. If I ever hope to go do the kind of things I want to do in the world I have to at least be healthy.
I'm thinking about all this because I'm sick...again. And I've been sick for two weeks now. I was almost better Friday and Saturday, but started feeling sick again on Sunday, so today I very much feel like I have a whole new cold. And a whole new kind of SUCKING!
I am happy to be home though, and thrilled when I got to work today and found my flowers waiting for me in water! So blown away by the kindness of Jo!
|Saturday, March 17th, 2007|
|Being in Belleville
Oh Dear God...is there a worse place to be alone and sad and broke? I doubt it.
Belleville -well to be specific, my parent's live a good 20 minute ride outside of Belleville- is pressing on me today.
I've been here since Thursday, my parents left to go to Myrtle Beach yesterday afternoon, so my job is to house/dog sit for them this weekend. My uncle is coming to the house to stay for the next week to continue the dog/house sitting. I know my Mom wanted to see me before they left, but she asked me to come on Thurs to spend the day and a half with her (and stay over the weekend) because, she said, no one else was able to dog-sit for the weekend. A fact that is clearly not true, as my uncle IS avaialable and in town I don't knwo why she thought I would rahter be in this Hell-hole town BY MY SELF for a weekend than in T.O. living my life. She is a stunning woman.
She really does live in a bubble of selfishness and ignorance. Maybe it's just that living in a small town, and having some money insulates you. I am not that lucky. It seeems that the consensus in my family is that I need to stop doing 'charity' work and focus on 'my life.'
I'm sure that word has spread around that I am bankrupt and a fuck-up. It's apparent to everyone that I'm almost thirty, single, and still haven't 'done' anything with my life. I still don't have a career, or even a boring factory type job that will shelter me and priovide for my non-existant family for the rest of my years until I retire, old and bend and grey and empty.
It's funny though, because going to NOLA has proven to be the only thing I've gone in years -outside of music- that has made me feel alive, and useful, and free, and like I'm a good person inside, not just a vaccuous party girl.
It's crazy to me that a person (actually a group of people, that claim to know me and love me, and who exist in this world where that have access to information about the condition of world around them) actually think that me doing more work like I did in NOLA is a BAD idea. I feel like I'm drifting even further away from the ideals they have in mind for me. They can see it too. No one is happy.
I went to a hockey game last night to go and see my nephew play...he is soon to be 13 and his voice was all squawky and changing. I haven't seen him in about a year due to stupid family bullshit. My brother either. My brother had a touch of grey in his temple, and as I tried to maintain a conversation with him his focus was unwaiveringly kept on the hockey game going on. He was the consumate hockey Dad, shouting angrilly at the ref, and we barely knew what to say to eachother.
He actually works in a fucking ROCK factory...busting big rocks up into small rocks for use on shingles or something. WTF! I can't imagine a life like that. And it makes me so sad that for my family...no one has a problem with that. It's MY fucking lifestyle that is in the toilet.
I have to drive myself around when I visit here which freaks me out a little on the best of days, but I tend to stick to the back roads and take my time. Last night though, coming home from the game at 10pm there was a terrible snow storm in progress and I had no choice but to go through it. It was so fucking scary, I was slipping all over the road (in my parent's HUGE fucking pick-up truck that goes with their blissfully-ignorant-to-global-warming SUV..ewww) and actually went up a hill sideways, screaming FUUUUUUUCK, with my 4 ways on. It was terrifying and I was shaking like a leaf when I got out. I hated it.
My Mom and I went for a pedicure on Thursday (another vocation she is convinced I would excel at, that I would rather die than do) It felt odd to 'treat' myself. (More on that in a minute) and the girl who owned the day spa and did our pedicures was a girl I went to highschool with. She was a year older than me, and part of the ruling class of girls that thought I was a freak (I was) and probabaly either hated me or just hated 'my kind.' She was blond and pretty, but approachable and likable (still is). The 'us and them' mentallity that has stayed with me after all this time made me think that she was judging me the whole time I was there. I don't even know if she was or whether she has seen fit to be able to let social stigmas created in highschool go and just accept people at face value now. But I can't say that I am able to do that. There has always been something different about me. I dont' notice it when I'm in my own life because I know I tend to attract the fringes to me now, but I notice it SO MUCH here...I stick out like a brightly coloured thumb.
I felt humbled, I felt silly, I was brought right back to high school again. And I knew that 'that' type of girl was exactly the kind of girl my Mom has always hoped I'd be. Not some hippie minded-anti establishment-prepetually single-bisexual-musician. It's important for me to remember that this is MY life though, and I think I'm actually doing ok.
My folks are planning a trip to Florida next x-mas...and I really don't wanna go. There seems something WRONG -to me right now- about going to a place, living off the fat of the land for a week, then returning to my 9-5. There are so many more interesting things that one could be doing to re-charge, in more meaningful ways than lying on a beach picking sand out of your crotch. Spending money, getting fat, being boring, doing nothing. I could scream. I guess I'm in a place where 'fun' is a relative term.
Another short note on Belleville and not being able to shake off one's past. Mom and I wandered into an antiques store where the owner recognized her from her 1st marriage (to my birth dad) that ended a good oh...25 years ago! There she was, off in the corner trying to evade his questions and keep her voice low so that I wouldn't hear, while he just kept nosing around asking if I still see him (which I don't) she sat there having to justify MY non-relationship to MY OWN STIPID ASS FATHER to a perfect stranger. I can't stand that lack of annonymity here.
|Tuesday, March 13th, 2007|
|when life gives you lemons, make muffin loaf
I tried to bake something from this cookbook my Mom gave me, a compilation of recipes from people in her office. Might as well be a compilation of recipes made by blind children. Every time I try to make something from it I end up with some sort of baking disaster...like the lemon loaf that took 6 hours to cook through (but ended up tasting rather good, like carmelized lemons...yum.) The muffins I made turned into a sort of loaf...dense as hell...and just in case you're ever inclined to thinking that carob chips (bought on a whim in the middle of a desperate chocolate craving whilst cleansing a few months ago) are a good addition to anything...well, you'd be wrong. Not delicious.
Speaking of baked goods, I'm waffling all over the place. I'm not in a very consistent place right now.
My life doesn't seem to be working for me anymore in the same way that it used to be. I know I don't make enough dough to keep myself afloat, I'm always broke mid-month, which is a depressing thing really. So I think of ways of making more money...none of which seem particularly feasible. A 2nd job? -which would take me away (even further) from my free time with which to be creative. A new, more high end type job with higher salary expectations? -Not qualified for anything.
I've always resisted the idea of 'furthering myself' in the world of 'real jobs.' I guess I don't have it in me to give up the dream that at any minute I could give it all up for music. It's the dream that prevents me from fully rooting myself.
So you'd think that with a dream like that I would be an unstoppable force, but even that seems insurmountable. I look at successful (or even semi-successful) bands and I can't even imagine how lucky/persistent they had to be to get that way.
It's hard to justify having these big dreams without doing the footwork
It's hard to reconcile my strong desire to go out into the world and do good things for others when I can't even make my own ends meet.
It's hard to even think about roots in all this slippery terrain.
I'm so so so sad about my decision not to go back to NOLA, and I wish that the money fairy would drop 500 bux on my lap. But I guess as far as money fairies go...I've already been pretty lucky so far.
I have to go to Belleville on Thursday, which scares me a little. I hate going home with so much weighing on my mind. I don't like talking to my Mom about my big ticket life turmoil, and somehow she seems to know just the right buttons to push. I'm not looking forward to it.
|Thursday, March 8th, 2007|
|A Terrible Patient
I am a terrible sick person. I hate taking time off, even when I really need it. (My dad probably took like 5 sick days in his entire working life, very strong work-ethics) But there was no refuting the fact when I left work on Tuesday that I was FUCKED. I took yesterday off and the RCM did not crumble.
It seems that lately (the past year or so, maybe since I've been treating myself with natural meds) when I get sick I tend to get sick really fast, the worst of it happens within hours and then I just have minor symptoms lingering for a week or so. When my body decides it's time to get sick it does not waste time.
I'm intolerable when I'm sick, and that's why I usually try not to subject anyone to me when I'm in the thick of it. When I have a fever it's the worst, which I did on Tuesday night...I whine and moan out loud, I hobble and wheeze and bawl my eyes out howling at the moon or the cats or the TV -OH the malaise! Oh ya...I'm right over the top.
My Mom is so funny, we couldn't be more opposite in the ways that we view medical treatment. I had a childhood full of sickness, I was constantly either sick or being medicated for something...I had a pill popping family doc and hypochondriac Mom. I blame the over use of antibiotics for fucking up my immune system and giving me IBS. Despite all of this she still insists that I go to the doctor the MOMENT I feel sick. I told her that I was taking naturopathic stuff and she just could not wrap her head around it. Drinking Echinaseal is about as pleasurable as gargling with battery acid, but it really works for me, I cycle through sickness much faster. Antibiotics just make me sicker longer and in different ways.
My Mom didn't want to see a naturopath because she thought her family doc would be offended. I can't even imagine putting someone else's interests before mine when it comes to my health. crazy.
Oh, speaking of 'natural medicine' -since I hate popping pills so much, and had been trying all day to get rid of the stupid headache I had left over from the fever night, I decided to smoke a J. last night (someone had left it at my house last weekend). It totally worked, but not before making me a complete PSYCHO. I became completely consumed by my own paranoid thoughts. Man...it was so weird. I think the years of being a chronic in my early 20's has done something to me, or maybe it's because I do it so infrequently now...either way...dude...I was stoooooooned. hahaha.
I think about being that stoned and I remember this experience I had a few years ago, working at an ad agency...we had a 'pot luck' lunch and one of the guys actually brought pot cookies (it was a very liberal working environment) No one actually believed that there was pot in the cookies though (despite the sign he put next to the plate saying: warning...these cookies contain pot) so a whole bunch of people got really stoned at work. Being that I was the receptionist and thusly in the know about almost everything, I knew the decks were loaded, and didn't eat any at lunch...The baker saved a *special* one for me knowing that I was a stoner, he said he made it nice and potent. I ate it on the way home. I've never been so far away from reality in my life and it was most certainly NOT FUN. I had to sit my self down when I got back to my apartment and try hard to think about things that 'not stoned' people do so that I could do them...but I couldn't think of any, so I just sat in the dark. I fell asleep like that evernutally, bold upright gripping the couch cushions in my work clothes in the dark.
|Tuesday, March 6th, 2007|
|Music is my Boyfriend
I went to see a fantastic singer named El Perro Del Mar last night. She was this sort of frail, rather austere looking Swedish girl, with a painfully beautiful sad voice. It made me very happy to know that music like this is important to people, because it was sort of a little bit like mine.
I went alone, which is something I don't do very often and I totally loved it. I love the way that hearing new music inspires me...it eddies off in my brain into lyric fragments that my brain breaks down and resembles. It's fantastic. I must remember to do this more often from now on...go see more shows, by my self preferably. It just does me so much good.
I read in an interview that she writes songs sometimes as notes of encouragement to her self, hoping to feel differently, more cheerful about something. I love that.
Songwriting is such a tricky business...I struggle, but when I've finished something I'm so proud. I know so little about melody, structure, the rules of songwriting, all I have is words, and I love them so very much. I think of my songs a bit more impressionisticly. Like I'm trying to capture a moment in time with words. Every time I perform I feel as though I've ripped pages out of my diary for the world to read, it's a strange feeling to see someone singing along to what is essentially your diary. I want more gigs. I think I need a manager or something to kick my ass...hahaha.
Thinking about all of this is so much nicer than thinking about my work today...which is a little bit spirit crushing. I have to learn this horrid phone programming, which goes SO FAR above my head. It's basically DOS language. It makes me crazy. Ugh.
I think I'm going to stay in dreamland today.
|Friday, March 2nd, 2007|
|I know it isn't right
To actually like justin Timberlake...but I do. So there. His songs make me want to shake my ass. I'm listening to him right now on Pandora and I'm very happy about it.
So I guess it *did* end up being a bit of a snowpoccalypse. -So much so that the school closed early yesterday, and I've NEVER seem the RCM close early in all my years. I got a ride home which was fortunate, but an under 10 min. trip took me over a half hour.
I got home and slept for two hours. So sleepy. Apparently I had a ten minute telephone conversation with Emmet that I totally don't remember. He told me that I said hilarious things like: "I am sooo asleeepinnnggg"
After I woke up I decided to transfer the two over flowing shoeboxes of sentimental crap that I have hung on to all these years into the pretty new banker's box that I got recently from ikea.
It's pretty amazing that I've managed to hang onto all this stuff for all these years. It was flattering, depressing, twitterpating, nostalgic and heart wrenching to go through all the old love letters again...looking at the patterns emerge that haunt me still to this day.
It was especially crazy to read the letters from Chad. Chad...such a typical high school hear breaker name. He totally didn't suit the name in the John Hughes movie-esque way that comes to mind though. He was half black and half french canadian, he said that his Dad was in the FLQ, I have no idea if that was true. He lived with foster parents or something (actually most of my High School boyfriends did) He was into Fishbone, NOFX, he was this hot, docs wearing, punk rock guy that seemed to come out of nowhere. He transfered to my school the fall of my grade 10 year. I remember following him down the hall the first day I saw him. I was wearing this AMAZING fucking vintage 70's jean jacket that had all this embroidery on the back...like a waterfall and a unicorn or something awesome like that. I felt so cool in that jacket, it was probably the only reason I had the nerve to talk to him in the first place.
The details have gotten foggy in my head over the years, and until last night I haven't read the letters he wrote me since high school. I bound them up with rope, in some sort of attempt at closure. All I've remembered all these years was that he cheated on me. He stopped aknowleging me. He never gave me the chance to be mad at him, or to talk to him. I never got an apology or an excuse. It was completely without warning and I stayed in love with him for a whole year. I was FUCKED UP over this dude. I remember thinking that if I just kept holding out, he would eventually come back around. Everything that I did for a whole year had something to do with him. My Jordan Catalano.
Looking at his letters last night really shook me. The words that he said were so beautiful. The language that he used was so gorgeous. The kind of words that make you fall hard for a person. The kind of words you say to someone you have very deep feelings for. He used magical words like 'Love' and 'run away together' which were huge for an alienated teenage girl who spent too much time reading Kerouac and fighting with her parents. I guess I forgot that I fell so hard for him for a reason, that it wasn't just in my head. I was fucked with in a real and legit way. How sad that at 15 my heart was so badly hurt.
The ways I've loved so far in this life...it's a wonder there's anything left to love with at all.
|Thursday, March 1st, 2007|
People are so funny when they pay too much attention to the weather...the way people are talking it's like the world is about to end because we're expecting a little snow. I have my sorel boots, I'm an impenetrable force of winter. I fear no squall.
My friend Alex at work told me yesterday about a friend of his that has a habit of suddenly marrying guys and running off to foreign countries with them.
Then today my awesome mail room lady -who I love- told me that in 1979 a big snowstorm hit and she just got into her car with a tent and left town for a month...went to key west to wait out the rest of the winter.
My life seems dull in comparison.
I told Alex that my goal for 2007 was to have at least one shotgun wedding...but somehow I think I'd better just keep my eye on the road.
These past few weeks I haven't been taking very good care of myself. I think this weekend I will embrace glamour. Watch old movies. Do face masks. Wear my Kimono to the store. Not in a stone drunk sitting around talking to my cats in a mu-mu kind of way...just in a fun girlie way. Especially since Zoe skipped town and all I do is hang with boys I need a little bit of a girl day.
|Wednesday, February 28th, 2007|
There are not a lot of things I'd rather be doing than sleeping these days, except:
The new coffee shop that opened across the street from my house called ZIPPIE! And believe me...the name is NO LIE!
Dumpling date tonight with Liz. (gimmie gimmie gimmie! I demand a plate of pan-fried pork and chive and a bowl of hot and sour soup ASAP!)
*BTW...Something came flooding back to me I went to the dumpling house about two weeks ago, it was that fatefull week when I discovered my lovely dumpling hot-spot last year. I went for dumpling THREE nights in a row!!! Take it from me...BAD THINGS HAPPEN when you eat dumplings three nights in a row. Everything in moderation is something I have to learn.
Also...Monthly African Disco night at the Gladdy this Saturday night!
Ok...so it's a pretty short list.
I'm plotting...plotting my escape to NOLA again, a fundraiser is the ticket. I really feel like I need to go...many reasons...too many to get into now with this much ZIPPIE coffee running through my veins.
I had dreams last night that were VERY bolstering. Beautiful dreams that made me wake up smiling. I love those! It's my brain's way of saying...it's ok...everything is fine.