boxsocial (boxsocial) wrote,

when life gives you lemons, make muffin loaf

I tried to bake something from this cookbook my Mom gave me, a compilation of recipes from people in her office. Might as well be a compilation of recipes made by blind children. Every time I try to make something from it I end up with some sort of baking the lemon loaf that took 6 hours to cook through (but ended up tasting rather good, like carmelized lemons...yum.) The muffins I made turned into a sort of loaf...dense as hell...and just in case you're ever inclined to thinking that carob chips (bought on a whim in the middle of a desperate chocolate craving whilst cleansing a few months ago) are a good addition to anything...well, you'd be wrong. Not delicious.

Speaking of baked goods, I'm waffling all over the place. I'm not in a very consistent place right now.
My life doesn't seem to be working for me anymore in the same way that it used to be. I know I don't make enough dough to keep myself afloat, I'm always broke mid-month, which is a depressing thing really. So I think of ways of making more money...none of which seem particularly feasible. A 2nd job? -which would take me away (even further) from my free time with which to be creative. A new, more high end type job with higher salary expectations? -Not qualified for anything.
I've always resisted the idea of 'furthering myself' in the world of 'real jobs.' I guess I don't have it in me to give up the dream that at any minute I could give it all up for music. It's the dream that prevents me from fully rooting myself.
So you'd think that with a dream like that I would be an unstoppable force, but even that seems insurmountable. I look at successful (or even semi-successful) bands and I can't even imagine how lucky/persistent they had to be to get that way.
It's hard to justify having these big dreams without doing the footwork
It's hard to reconcile my strong desire to go out into the world and do good things for others when I can't even make my own ends meet.
It's hard to even think about roots in all this slippery terrain.

I'm so so so sad about my decision not to go back to NOLA, and I wish that the money fairy would drop 500 bux on my lap. But I guess as far as money fairies go...I've already been pretty lucky so far.

I have to go to Belleville on Thursday, which scares me a little. I hate going home with so much weighing on my mind. I don't like talking to my Mom about my big ticket life turmoil, and somehow she seems to know just the right buttons to push. I'm not looking forward to it.
  • Post a new comment


    Anonymous comments are disabled in this journal

    default userpic