boxsocial (boxsocial) wrote,
boxsocial
boxsocial

Being in Belleville

Oh Dear God...is there a worse place to be alone and sad and broke? I doubt it.
Belleville -well to be specific, my parent's live a good 20 minute ride outside of Belleville- is pressing on me today.
I've been here since Thursday, my parents left to go to Myrtle Beach yesterday afternoon, so my job is to house/dog sit for them this weekend. My uncle is coming to the house to stay for the next week to continue the dog/house sitting. I know my Mom wanted to see me before they left, but she asked me to come on Thurs to spend the day and a half with her (and stay over the weekend) because, she said, no one else was able to dog-sit for the weekend. A fact that is clearly not true, as my uncle IS avaialable and in town I don't knwo why she thought I would rahter be in this Hell-hole town BY MY SELF for a weekend than in T.O. living my life. She is a stunning woman.
She really does live in a bubble of selfishness and ignorance. Maybe it's just that living in a small town, and having some money insulates you. I am not that lucky. It seeems that the consensus in my family is that I need to stop doing 'charity' work and focus on 'my life.'
I'm sure that word has spread around that I am bankrupt and a fuck-up. It's apparent to everyone that I'm almost thirty, single, and still haven't 'done' anything with my life. I still don't have a career, or even a boring factory type job that will shelter me and priovide for my non-existant family for the rest of my years until I retire, old and bend and grey and empty.
It's funny though, because going to NOLA has proven to be the only thing I've gone in years -outside of music- that has made me feel alive, and useful, and free, and like I'm a good person inside, not just a vaccuous party girl.
It's crazy to me that a person (actually a group of people, that claim to know me and love me, and who exist in this world where that have access to information about the condition of world around them) actually think that me doing more work like I did in NOLA is a BAD idea. I feel like I'm drifting even further away from the ideals they have in mind for me. They can see it too. No one is happy.

I went to a hockey game last night to go and see my nephew play...he is soon to be 13 and his voice was all squawky and changing. I haven't seen him in about a year due to stupid family bullshit. My brother either. My brother had a touch of grey in his temple, and as I tried to maintain a conversation with him his focus was unwaiveringly kept on the hockey game going on. He was the consumate hockey Dad, shouting angrilly at the ref, and we barely knew what to say to eachother.
He actually works in a fucking ROCK factory...busting big rocks up into small rocks for use on shingles or something. WTF! I can't imagine a life like that. And it makes me so sad that for my family...no one has a problem with that. It's MY fucking lifestyle that is in the toilet.

I have to drive myself around when I visit here which freaks me out a little on the best of days, but I tend to stick to the back roads and take my time. Last night though, coming home from the game at 10pm there was a terrible snow storm in progress and I had no choice but to go through it. It was so fucking scary, I was slipping all over the road (in my parent's HUGE fucking pick-up truck that goes with their blissfully-ignorant-to-global-warming SUV..ewww) and actually went up a hill sideways, screaming FUUUUUUUCK, with my 4 ways on. It was terrifying and I was shaking like a leaf when I got out. I hated it.

My Mom and I went for a pedicure on Thursday (another vocation she is convinced I would excel at, that I would rather die than do) It felt odd to 'treat' myself. (More on that in a minute) and the girl who owned the day spa and did our pedicures was a girl I went to highschool with. She was a year older than me, and part of the ruling class of girls that thought I was a freak (I was) and probabaly either hated me or just hated 'my kind.' She was blond and pretty, but approachable and likable (still is). The 'us and them' mentallity that has stayed with me after all this time made me think that she was judging me the whole time I was there. I don't even know if she was or whether she has seen fit to be able to let social stigmas created in highschool go and just accept people at face value now. But I can't say that I am able to do that. There has always been something different about me. I dont' notice it when I'm in my own life because I know I tend to attract the fringes to me now, but I notice it SO MUCH here...I stick out like a brightly coloured thumb.
I felt humbled, I felt silly, I was brought right back to high school again. And I knew that 'that' type of girl was exactly the kind of girl my Mom has always hoped I'd be. Not some hippie minded-anti establishment-prepetually single-bisexual-musician. It's important for me to remember that this is MY life though, and I think I'm actually doing ok.

My folks are planning a trip to Florida next x-mas...and I really don't wanna go. There seems something WRONG -to me right now- about going to a place, living off the fat of the land for a week, then returning to my 9-5. There are so many more interesting things that one could be doing to re-charge, in more meaningful ways than lying on a beach picking sand out of your crotch. Spending money, getting fat, being boring, doing nothing. I could scream. I guess I'm in a place where 'fun' is a relative term.

Another short note on Belleville and not being able to shake off one's past. Mom and I wandered into an antiques store where the owner recognized her from her 1st marriage (to my birth dad) that ended a good oh...25 years ago! There she was, off in the corner trying to evade his questions and keep her voice low so that I wouldn't hear, while he just kept nosing around asking if I still see him (which I don't) she sat there having to justify MY non-relationship to MY OWN STIPID ASS FATHER to a perfect stranger. I can't stand that lack of annonymity here.
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